Round 2 Complete

Well, this second round in Vienna was a much darker time for me than the first. Perhaps it was the urgency in which I needed to fly out, or the constant throwing up that took place before and during most of my time there. Maybe it was the fact that my kids weren’t around so I didn’t feel the need to hide so many of the emotions that I had been pushing down when they were close. No matter what it was, my head was not in the best place and my time in Vienna was filled with a lot of frustration, sadness and a hell of a lot of anger.

Dr. Kleef and his staff were once again amazing at taking care of me, keeping me informed and making sure that I was comfortable. I did a lot of vitamin C+ALA IVs, localized and mild hyperthermia, 2 rounds of immunotherapy, one long duration hyperthermia and 10 rounds of radiation.

The treatments really seemed to break me this time. I was so tired all the time. I could sleep all day and all night. I was barely eating as I couldn’t find anything palatable that I could keep down. (Frustrating to both my mom and I as she was doing her very best to keep me fed). Although the clinic was only a 5 minute walk from our apartment, that 5 minute walk nearly broke me most days. Last time in Vienna and even at the beginning of this trip, I would do the two flights of stairs at the clinic and the three flights at the apartment, no problem. By the end I had to take the elevator every single time. My radiation appointments were Monday – Friday for two weeks. Our taxi would let us out at the hospital and we had a short walk to the radiation department but I was barely making it. Needing to hang onto Mom just to help me along.

We attempted to do Fever Week, however after the first night my levels spiked and I wasn’t able to continue with treatment. And this is where I broke down. My greatest fear heading to Vienna was that I wouldn’t make it back. I didn’t want to start treatment, have something go wrong and then end up being stuck in a hospital there trying to get my family up to say goodbye. I expressed my concerns to both Dr. Kleef and Dr. Robert. They both advised me to trust them and that they would always be open and honest with me but at this time I wasn’t in danger of that.

The next night, the story changed. After discussing, the doctors were afraid that continuing treatment with me at this time could put my liver in danger. Once that happens, everything can go downhill very quickly. After seeing how high my numbers shot up over one night and knowing how strongly I felt, they just couldn’t in good conscious continue and have something go wrong. So they told me I should book a flight for the weekend.

March 2, Mom and I made it home from Vienna. It was a very difficult flight for me and unfortunately I wasn’t able to avoid throwing up on the plane this time. Thank goodness once again for amazing WestJet staff. Since home, things have been rough. My daily routine is pretty much eat, sleep, throw up, repeat. Sometimes that happens within an hour, sometimes I get a longer break. It’s hard on the kids seeing mommy home, but not really here. It’s hard on all of us. So right now I’m just trying to make it through.

I know once again this lack of communication has been tough on my friends and family but I just couldn’t (and honestly still can’t) quite pull myself out of these feelings. All I wanted was space. Space to think, be left alone with my own thoughts, sleep, wallow, cry, space to do whatever I wanted without anyone else in my thoughts. All the cheerleading was starting to make me even more angry. I didn’t want to be told anymore how brave or strong or what a hero I was. It stopped being encouraging and starting frustrating me more because of how I was feeling.

Every text message I received literally made me vomit, so every time one would come through that would anger me as well. I just wanted people to back off. Leave me alone. Forget about me.

I know, it’s a tough thing to ask. Especially when you love someone and I know I wouldn’t do well with that from the other side. And let me say that I KNOW the hearts of everyone that sent me text messages and cards etc. I KNOW they have nothing but good intentions and love in their hearts. So while it frustrated me and made me mad, I always knew it was coming from love and I still have nothing but love for those people. I just hope they can all understand where I’m coming from.

There are still many messages I haven’t even read because I was just too sick to even look and now they’ve been buried in the pile of read but unresponded to messages. I’m just overwhelmed. Trying to figure things out over here in the best way I know how. So I really do apologize if I’ve hurt people’s feelings along the way. But nobody ever told me how hard this would really be. And right now the whole thing is kicking my ass. So please be patient with me. I may not be as open about sharing info anymore. It’s really hard to use my energy updating so many people when I have so little to give right now.

I currently don’t have plans for more treatment. I’m booked with the oncologist on Wednesday but I don’t think I’m willing (and probably not even well enough) to start chemo or any other treatment right now. We have a home care nurse that is going to be stopping by a few times a week which will be helpful. And of course I have my mom, Peter’s mom and my SIL that have all offered to stay with us at different times to help out. We really are blessed to have so much help.

So thank you everyone once again for all that you’ve done. Know that I love and appreciate you all so much and would never have got through this without you. Keep sending all those positive vibes and prayers.